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(I Am) Origami Pt. 3 - A Catacomb Hymn

by John Van Deusen

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1.
I’m busy building towers to the sky I won’t admit that I am wasting time Be here when I sleep, when I dream, when the devils meet Be here when I wake up, when I wake up, when I wake up Whatever makes you stay Whatever makes you smile Whatever makes you come and be with me a while Whatever makes you mine Whatever makes you mine I thought that I could make it on my own Now I am choking on the seeds I’ve sewn
2.
We rolled a joint and stepped outside In to the glow of the autumn night And I want you, I want you to know That I like it when we let go And we fill our lungs with hope instead of the smoke I flew away in search of change In to the jaws of marathon days And I regret all of the times That I’ve place myself on a shrine And I’ve bowed down with my nose touching the ground For you, you, you, you, you I want to make all things new, new, new, new, new I bought a photo print of yours Kept in a tube for when I have doors And I feel like you’re in my room And it pushes back on the gloom And I send my psychic words to strengthen resolve
3.
Universe make me a man Humble as you are Gentle and accessible by nature Cause’ to be humble means to be Open to humiliation Open to be broken by your hand I am prone to wield a knife Puckish in the night Still I feel the pull towards rising daylight I see that within me there are two selves, two selves Now I see that within me there are two selves, two selves
4.
Post a picture and try to convince all your friends That you’re killing it And so you climb up, climb up, climb Yet I wonder how it feels when you’re coming down? And they aint around Still you climb up, climb up, climb So you wander the wasteland If I can change then you can change Beware of falling forever in to de-evolution You are not yourself Nor anybody else Where did you go? You are not like them and their social sucking friends Where did you go? Where did you go? I’ve been sending flares As I lie awake at night Towards your city lights Hoping you’d finally see this time for what it is Instead of what it could have been Knowing to move on Letting the past be past us
5.
Tell me how much do I owe you? Tell me how much did I steal? Tell me how much do I owe you? Tell me how much did I steal when I pillaged your heart? There’s a hole in every glass that I drink from now that you’re gone Was this how it felt when I sang you that misgiving song? And what I’ve learned is that when I play the thief I really only steal from myself I really only steal from myself There is mold in every bowl that I eat from now that you’re gone (yeah!) Was this how it felt when I sang you that misgiving song? (yeah!) Tell me how much do I owe you?
6.
I long to be I long to be undividedly yours Undividedly yours What difference would it make if I could hear If I could see you? What difference would it make? I ponder snuffing out the candle that you lit within me To force the angel’s hand Because I long to be I long to be undividedly yours Undividedly yours I’m searching for the grace And for the peace I need to follow through To face another day But my fingers they are bloody As I mine amidst the hopelessness And I wonder, “Should I stay”?
7.
You’re different enough to feel unknown Let the weight of their looks push you underground Sometimes you just wanna fly away to hell Just wanna fly away to hell Sometimes you just wanna fly away to hell Just wanna fly away to hell But please Don’t forget the way the sun hits the lake and dances back and forth Or the way a sparrow flies Or the way a rabbit runs away and stays another day They say, “you don’t belong here anymore” They quote that book And they close that door
8.
We are, we are waitin for you Waitin for you to move on We are, we are waitin for you Waitin for you to move on And nothin, nothin ever comes of it And nothin, nothin ever comes of it darling And nothin, nothin ever comes of it And nothin, nothin ever comes of it darling Often I learn the best lessons when Releasing guilt I’ve been holding in I struggle to put in to words Feelings I’ve worked to unlearn is it good for you to watch and wait? You dug in and sealed your fate I don’t know how long the torches light Can bring you warmth and give you sight When did all my memories of you sail out and sink at sea? You’re not the same but “you don’t change” Just breathe again Stop the bleeding
9.
When are you gonna have children of your own? When are you gonna buy a place of your own? When are you gonna start showing up at church? When are you gonna sleep soundly through the night? When are you gonna have children of your own? “I don’t know” When are you gonna buy a place of your own? “I don’t know” When are you gonna start showing up at church? “I don’t know” When are you gonna sleep soundly through the night? Expectations Complications You don’t know what you’re asking of me! When are you gonna stop lying to your friends? “I don’t know” When are you gonna confess to where you’ve been? “I don’t know” When are you gonna hear the voice of the Lord? Bright and strong, early morn’ Folded, head in hands? “I don’t know!”
10.
Numb 04:03
I’ve reached a breaking point I didn’t know I had And now the icy waters carry me away I think that it’s too late To ask a favor of you Don’t worry I’m not hurting I’ve gone numb No hurry I’m not learning I’ve grown dumb I guess I’ll see you around I passed you on the street and wondered if you knew The way your words had sliced the living room in two It’s clear that you don’t know how to let it go …I guess I’ll see you around…

credits

released July 19, 2019

All songs written by John Van Deusen
John Sanders Van Deusen (BMI)

Copyright:
Tooth and Nail Records & DevilDuck Records

Produced, engineered and mixed by Andy D. Park
Additional Engineering and Assisting by Samuel Rossen
Mastered by Ed Brooks
Executive Producer: Brandon Ebel
A&R: Adam Skatula
MGMT - Rachael Farris

Recorded at:
Ranchland Studios - Cisco, TX
The Hall Of Justice - Ballard, WA

Vocals, guitars, bass, keys and amateur percussion - JVD
Drums and professional percussion - Braydn Krueger

Whitney Ballen sings on track 1
Tyson Motsenbocker and Jess Alldredge sing on track 3
Claire England sings on track 4
Julianne Thompson sings on track 6
Elizabeth Dirks sings on track 7
Erik Walters and Eric Anderson sing on track 8
David Bazan, Julianne Thompson, Claire England and Nick Thompson sing on track 9
Braydn Krueger sings on track 10

Whitney Ballen appears courtesy of Father Daughter Records & Substitute Scene Records
Claire England appears courtesy of Hardly Art Records
David Bazan appears courtesy of Polyvinyl Records

Art Layout - Paul Benson
Front and back collages by Hugo Barros
Inner Sleeve collage by JVD
Center labels: “Photographic Study” by Clementina Hawarden (Public Domain) & “In The Valley Of The Mole” by Robert Howlett (Public Domain)
Manufactured by Pirate Press in CZ

Thank you:
Andy Park, Braydn Krueger, Sam Rossen, Paul Benson and everyone else who lent their talents, time and encouragement to help me finish this album.
DevilDuck & Tooth and Nail. Ranchland and The Hall Of Justice. Ted Graffam. Rachael Farris. Anacortes, WA. My friends and family. Annababe; always. Father, Son and Holy Spirit for being both mysteriously familiar and perpetually far out.

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John Van Deusen Anacortes, Washington

Small town songsmith - Anacortes, WA.

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